Stack Ranking Alternatives

Now that Microsoft's Stack Ranking has been uncovered as the problem behind the Zune, Windows Mobile and rising ocean levels it is time we looked at alternative management strategies. Three new options are outlined below:

The Napoleon: Pick one employee and build his/her confidence with a series of high profile, slam dunk projects. Watch as employee rises through the ranks then, drunk on success, disregards office-alliances and wages personal battles with everyone in company. Eventually exile the employee to that funky space past the bathroom where you keep the fax machine and foosball table with the broken goalie.

The Gettysburg: Based on the lead up to the Battle of Gettysburg this strategy encourages mediocre middle managers to shadow their peers, mimicking their projects in an agonizing resource depleting quest that leads to heavy financial losses. Other key elements involve depriving their teams of basic amenities, such as coffee and post-it notes, destroying morale, and putting heavy emphasis on random industry hearsay or consultants with nebulous alliances.

The Serpentine: After their initial project has failed and the "pivot" has not done any better encourage your employee to Serpentine. This involves careening from project to project in an arbitary, haphazzard pattern creating confusion and paranoia across all teams. Based on the work of Peter Falk in the 1979 classic The In-Laws.


Remember, it's not enough to merely implement a strategy. For it to be as damaging as possible it must be lived everyday.

C